


See you next week, Junmyeon

by lialin1021



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Read the notes carefully please, Sex Addiction, Sex Addicts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-06
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-09-22 08:14:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9595625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lialin1021/pseuds/lialin1021
Summary: Once upon a time, there was a sex addict. He met another sex addict and he fell in love. The end.





	

**Author's Note:**

> **Warning 1:** I picked a sensitive topic to write about. I’m aware that there are many sort of problematic parts in this but I tried to portray everything in the best way I could. One of the reasons why I decided to write about this is to raise awareness of sexual addiction. To raise awareness of its existence, that it’s a real disease which many people suffer from, which breaks families, relationships and it’s really hard to overcome. It’s not just some excuse for sleeping around or something just sexual offenders suffer from. It’s more real and common than most people realize.
> 
>  **Warning 2:** This is not a happy story. I wanted to write about raw emotions and life stories. Also, don’t expect many long, elaborate and intense sex scenes, I’m putting this at the beginning so you’re not disappointed if you are looking for that type of story.
> 
> With that said, I hope you will enjoy this. All comments are very much appreciated and if you want to discuss anything regarding this with me, I’ll do my best to reply to any of your observations or questions. Big thanks goes to anyone who will read this.
> 
> And if you are interested in Jongdae’s character after reading this, you can also read a **spin-off** I’ve written to explain why Jongdae acted the way he did: [ The art of lying and deceiving ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11433144)

It was the beginning of everything. A chilly Saturday afternoon, the kind that would make most people stay inside, drink tea and watch TV. Yet streets were full of pedestrians rushing to get to their destinations in the shortest possible time because of the biting cold. Thanks to them the city was still full of life and energy. Junmyeon nuzzled into his scarf and hoped not to bump into one of his acquaintances. He was standing in front of an old tall building which looked like it was going to collapse every minute… and he would find that scenario more pleasing than to go inside. But it was still standing so his luck betrayed him once again. Actually, he blamed that whole damned situation on his bad luck. He was just an unlucky person who somehow ended up heading to his first sex addicts’ meeting.

It all started with the stupid decision to go to a therapist. But what else should he have done? His best friend found out that Junmyeon had fucked his wife and told him that he never wanted to see him again. Junmyeon thought he didn’t really mean it and would call him when he cooled off for a bit but nothing like that happened. It was awful for him because he lost the only person he could actually talk to. His thoughts were getting darker and darker and that made him realize that he was unable to handle it alone. That’s why he decided to find a therapist.

The first one was a nice, pretty middle-aged woman who talked in a sweet voice which was truly friendly and welcoming. Junmyeon fucked her against her desk 30 minutes into their first session. As he was leaving her office he thought to himself that it would be better to find someone else because it was highly unprofessional to have sex with your patient and how could he trust her to be professional in other issues after that. So he called another therapist, an older man with great references, and started going there. That therapist seemed much more professional and Junmyeon actually thought the sessions were helping him.

It was their tenth session when his therapist told him that he was pretty much sure Junmyeon was a sex addict. The young man could not believe such accusation. He was able to admit that he might have had a lot of sex partners, a number that would shock some people, but that just meant he loved sex and since he was a good-looking guy many opportunities had presented themselves to him and he had just gone with the flow. Who could blame him for that? Who could call him a sex addict just because of that? But his therapist was adamant. He explained all the symptoms and emphasized several times that the disorder was more common than most people thought, it definitely did not mean that Junmyeon was a sexual offender or anything like that and that it would be the best for him to start a proper treatment. Junmyeon grabbed his coat right away and left the office without even saying goodbye.                                                                               

He was furious. What the hell was that? It made no sense. It was actually crazy and he suspected that therapist must have been on drugs or something to say such nonsense. But as he came back to his apartment and sat down, it started to dawn on him. All the things the therapist had said about compulsive engagement in sexual activity, how he had told him about all the symptoms and been able to match them with experiences Junmyeon had told him about during the nine previous sessions… Junmyeon reached for his laptop and opened a new tab in his browser. He typed “sexual addiction” quite fast but was hesitant about pressing enter… then he finally took a deep breath and did it.

Three hours, twenty-five bookmarks and numerous articles (both professional and about personal experiences) later, Junmyeon put his laptop back on the coffee table and closed his eyes. It all seemed to fit in. All the mess he called his life, all the relationships he had ruined, and all the people he had hurt… all that was a result of that disease. Disease called sexual addiction. He grabbed his phone to apologize to his therapist and to make a new appointment.

That’s how he ended up there. His therapist had suggested it would be very helpful to visit a sex addicts’ meeting because he would be able to share experiences and talk to people who understood what he was going through. Junmyeon hadn’t probably been in his right state of mind when he had agreed because… well, how else could he? It was just mad. His imagination was full of pictures of a dirty basement where several overweight middle-aged men sat in a circle and talked about how they couldn’t stop masturbating. He was sure that was what he should expect. As much as he wanted to run away and never look back, his therapist had already registered him and would ask those people who organized it whether Junmyeon showed up or not. _Damn it_ , the young man bit his lip.

He quickly checked his surroundings and disappeared inside right away. The instructions on the website said that he should go straight down the hall to the staircase which led to the basement (that’s how that whole basement idea had crossed his mind). Totally classy, right? The people who organized it must have had a blast coming up with such a cliché. Junmyeon heaved a sigh and proceeded walking according to the instructions. The staircase was not hard to find so in few seconds his heart was beating like crazy as he made his way down. He told himself that if he had made it all the way there, there was no point in giving up. So he put on his best smile and entered the basement.

The first thing he noticed was that it was far from dirty. The whole place was extremely clean and organized, even more than his own apartment (well, that was not so hard to beat actually). There were several chairs in a circle in the middle of the room, a whiteboard next to them and some tables with food and drinks behind them. Three men who were already sitting there immediately turned their attention to the newcomer, eyeing him with unconcealed curiosity. Junmyeon tensed and desperately wanted to hide somewhere because he felt way too embarrassed and awkward and cursed at his therapist in his mind. He had no idea what to do, whether it was appropriate to greet them or not and somehow his legs decided to refuse moving so he just stood in once place like a complete idiot. He should have searched on the internet for _how to make a good first impression on your fellow sex addicts_ beforehand.

“Hello, you must be new here, right?” a voice interrupted his thoughts. It belonged to a young man who he had not noticed when he had walked in.

“Yes, I am,” he replied with the most stable voice he was capable of.

“Great. Nice to meet you, my name is Kim Minseok and I’m one of the people organizing these meetings. I’m here to lead the conversation, talk to you guys about anything you need and mainly to bring all the good food,” the man laughed way too cheerfully for someone who organized sex addicts’ meetings on regular basis. “So if you need anything or have any questions, go ahead and ask me, I’ll do my best to help you and explain everything.”

“Thank you but I think I’m clear on everything,” Junmyeon said with a small smile. That guy was actually pretty hot and Junmyeon would not mind fooling around with him for a bit but he knew all those thoughts had to be repressed. He was not like that anymore… or at least he tried to be not like that anymore.

Minseok returned the smile and nodded. “Okay, if that’s the case, please, pick a chair and you’ll find a nametag on in with a pen. You don’t need to write your real name on it if you don’t want to, it’s completely up to you, you can just choose whatever name you want others to call you. I’ll talk more about everything at the beginning when we start and everyone’s here. Until then you can help yourself to a drink or food, anything on those tables at the back is here for you.”

Junmyeon replied with a barely audible _thank you_ and took the closest chair to him. It was a strategic idea because his back faced the entrance so he didn’t have to have an awkward eye contact with everyone the minute they would come in. He actually planned on not having eye contact with anyone, at least until the start of the meeting, because it was just too much for him. Instead of that he concentrated on writing his name on the nametag (he went for his real name because he saw no point in coming up with something fake), perfecting the letters over and over again and trying not to care about the people around him to whom he must have looked like a crazy person.

Each second was excruciating. He could sense people sitting down next to him, hear people talk, greet each other and he also felt them looking at him with curiosity because they were all well aware that he was there for the first time. None of that made him look up or even shift in his seat. He was an unmoving statue, a mess consisting of nervousness, sickness and desire to run away. He was so thankful when it was suddenly quiet and right after that only one voice started speaking.

“Hello, everybody, it’s nice to see all the familiar faces and also the new ones which joined us today for the first time.” Junmyeon felt nauseous from all the attention that was suddenly directed to him but he was still unable to share eye contact with anyone. He just stared at Minseok’s shoes which were disturbingly clean. “As you all know we are here to talk, to share and to help each other with the promise of staying sexually sober and with recovery. Sexual sobriety which we all decided to pursue includes freedom from masturbation and sex outside of a committed relationship. To celebrate and recognize all your effort and success we give out chips for a specific periods of time throughout which you managed to stay sober. Those chips will be, as usually, handed to those who deserve them at the end of this meeting and I believe that there are many of you who will come to me for them. I’d like to say that I’m always proud of all of you, for your bravery and efforts, and I’m thankful to be able to accompany you on your way to a complete recovery.”

Junmyeon could feel Minseok’s sincerity. That guy truly believed he was helping people get better and cared about each and every one of those broken ones who came to his meetings. But that didn’t make Junmyeon feel any better, it rather put even more pressure on him because there was a huge amount of expectation.

“So after those introductory words, is there anyone who would like to share?”

The first person was a middle-aged man, judging from his voice (Junmyeon then became interested in his cuticles instead of Minseok’s shoes). He introduced himself and started talking about his current situation. His wife kicked him out of their apartment after finding out that he was a regular at several brothels and also sometimes picked out hookers on the street, took them to cheap motels or stayed with them in his car. She hired a private investigator because she wanted to know where all the money he made went since he wasn’t giving it to her. That was how he ended up in a small, dirty apartment, completely alone and his wife also prohibited him from seeing their children. She blackmailed him that if he tried to contact them she would tell his boss, who was a very religious man, what he had been doing all that time. After saying that, the man started crying and could no longer continue speaking.

Junmyeon felt sorry for him. Of course he did. That man had lost everything he cared about in life because of his disease. He was unable to control that urge and that was something Junmyeon knew very well. The image of his best friend screaming at him and kicking him in the stomach resurfaced in his mind after a long time of repressing it.

Nobody spoke for a minute or so, everybody probably thinking about their own life and how it was ruined in a similar way. Minseok was the one who broke the silence by thanking the man for sharing with them and told him that if there was anything he could do, he would do his best to help. Then he proceeded to ask if there’s someone else who wanted to share their story with them. A new voice started to spread across the room. It was light and soft and sounded really young which made Junmyeon turn his sight to the person to whom it belonged because he had been sure that he would be the only young person there. But that was a mistake.

The new speaker was a young man, definitely still in his twenties. He was hunched in the chair in his oversized hoodie and ripped jeans, speaking slowly while glancing around a bit nervously like a lost kitten. His soft, dark brown hair was falling into his deep eyes which had probably swallowed all the night sky since they seemed to be shining so bright. And his features… Junmyeon thought to himself that he had never seen such sharp yet handsome features on anyone’s face. That’s why he became completely stunned and could not stop himself from staring at that young man. He basically blocked out everything else – he didn’t even listen to what the man was saying, he just perceived the tone and melody of his voice. It took Junmyeon quite some time to be able to think straight again so he took a quick glance at the nametag of the man and went back to being interested more in his cuticles that in the world that was surrounding him.

Two more people had spoken after that young man before Minseok announced that it was time to take a short break. He said that everybody should get some drink and food and talk for a bit with each other if they wanted to.

Junmyeon truly wanted to stay seated but his back had been killing him for the last 20 minutes because of that damn uncomfortable, cheap chair. Not being able to handle the pain he opted to stand up, take a glimpse of his surroundings and walk right towards the corner of the room where there was a table with tea nobody seemed to pay attention to (attacking all the lemonades, cookies and chips). He took a cup and poured himself a little bit of that warm liquid.

“Junmyeon?”

He jerked after hearing his name and almost spilled the tea all over himself. The sick feeling in his stomach was there in full force again after getting better at least a bit. “Yes?” he turned to Minseok whose voice he recognized since he had heard him talk the most of all the people there.

“I’m glad you joined us but I couldn’t help noticing how you were staring at Jongdae the whole time he was talking.”

That was it. Junmyeon was going to throw up, he was sure of that.

“Let me give you some advice: stay away from him. I’m telling you this for your own good.”

Minseok’s eyes were unnaturally dark and serious. He truly meant it. But Junmyeon was not able to differentiate whether it was a warning or a threat. His mind kept spinning, the nausea getting worse and he felt so helplessly confused. He wanted to ask how he should interpret it but before he was able to pronounce the right words, some other guy came up to them with a friendly smile and asked if he could borrow Minseok since he needed to speak with him. Junmyeon didn’t manage to do anything else that to dumbly nod and watch those two leave him.

The rest of the meeting was one big blur for Junmyeon. He only collected himself when the chips stared to be handed out and everybody was clapping. 30 days, 60 days, 90 days… his hands felt numb when all the awarding and clapping was over. Minseok wished them all good luck and said that he was looking forward to next week.

As everybody was packing their things and leaving, Junmyeon still sat in his chair and looked for Minseok. He wanted to ask what exactly he had meant by what he had said. But that man seemed to be way too busy talking to someone else. When that person broke down crying and hugged Minseok with all his strength, Junmyeon concluded it would be more appropriate to leave them alone and try to ask next week.

He put on his coat and climbed the stairs to get back on the ground from the basement. It felt like coming back to the world of normal people after visiting the world of broken, helpless and depressed sex addicts. Yet for some reason he knew he would come back. He wanted to come back. Those people were going through exactly what he was going through, from what he tried to recover. He was determined to share his own story at the next meeting and finally started smiling because he was proud of himself for such resolution.

“See you next week, Junmyeon.”

Those words stopped him in his tracks. He turned his head to the owner of the voice and it was as if someone punched him in the stomach. Jongdae, the painfully handsome young man, the person Junmyeon was advised to stay away from, stood there, leaning against the building, smoking a cigarette. He was still only in his hoodie and must have been freezing in such cold weather.

Junmyeon just stared at him. One part of him wanted to push Jongdae against the wall, kiss him senseless, take him home and fuck his mouth so he would cry because of choking on Junmyeon’s cock. The other part wanted to stub out Jongdae’s cigarette, give him his coat and buy him a cup of hot chocolate. Those parts were fighting in Junmyeon so much he thought he was going to explode.  He had never experienced such inner dilemma in his life. Despite all that, deep down he knew there was only one right solution. And that was what he did. He nodded and left.

~

Next few meetings were almost exactly the same. He always came quite early and was greeted by Minseok the minute he stepped into the basement. The man never addressed the Jongdae talk they had had again and Junmyeon didn’t ask about it as well. He tried to but each time chickened out at the last moment… because, if he was being honest with himself, he did not want to find out the truth. There was something strange forming inside him in relation to Jongdae. They never really talked, just exchanged few glances during the meetings. The thing that repeated though was the fact that Junmyeon left each meeting after almost everyone else had been gone and then found Jongdae in front of the building, smoking a cigarette and telling him the same five words he had told him after the first meeting. As a response, Junmyeon only nodded, not even smiled or tried to answer. It was their little unspoken agreement to do this.

Junmyeon didn’t talk to anyone else apart from Minseok. And he also did not share his story as it had been his intention after the first time there. He planned to do so but each time he was so close to raising his hand, he caught Jongdae looking at him. As if that young man knew, as if he could read his inner thoughts. That made Junmyeon freeze in place and he could never speak up. Somehow he became afraid of all the attention, of rejection and judgement… he knew that nobody had ever openly judged anyone else there, they were all in the same boat after all, but he was still unable to get rid of those worries.

Nobody ever forced him to share so he just sat there, listening to others. One thing he noticed was that most people talked about their past and how it affected the present. But Jongdae was different from the rest in that sense. He never talked about anything from his past. He always talked about what he was going through in that moment. And Junmyeon hung on his every word. Somehow Jongdae had the gift to move people almost to tears. All their fellow sex addicts seemed to be affected when Jongdae spoke about the difficulties he went through while trying to repress his urges, to basically repress his own nature. He was never specific though and because of that everybody could find themselves in his stories and relive their own problems through his. They were all hurting, exhausted from fighting and trying to get better and Jongdae put those feelings into words which would fit everyone’s situation.

That was how the meetings went. Junmyeon still had appointments with his therapist as well and everything started to feel right again. He was so proud of himself when he got the first chip for 30 days of sobriety. That night he lied on his bed, holding the chip above his head and thinking that the accomplishment and recognition of his efforts felt great. And he always reminded that to himself when he was going through the hard times. When a beautiful woman checked him out on the street, when the secretary of his boss bent down right in from of him, when there was a woman in bikini on television, when he saw an ad for sex toys, when he thought he would not survive not masturbating for another day… yes, it was difficult, he had to fight all the instincts that screamed in his head but somehow he did it. Somehow he was able to control himself.

Things changed after the seventh meeting. Junmyeon put on his new coat which he had bought during the week. It was grey, fit him nicely and made him look rather luxurious but nobody in the meetings seemed to mind or even notice that he dressed in that kind of clothes. He was not the only one there who was a representative of a higher standard of living after all (but somehow he hadn’t been able to talk to those people as well). After getting dressed, he quietly left the basement and the familiar warm feeling started to spread in his chest. He knew what would ensue and was looking forward to that short moment.

When he came out of the building, the cold wind was quite strong and left him shivering all over the body. If he remembered correctly, Jongdae only had his hoodie once again which must have meant that he was totally freezing. As he turned his head to look at the person in his mind, he found him standing in his usual position, cigarette in hand, gazing at him.

“Would you like to go for a cup of coffee?” he asked. As polite as it was it did not seem like an offer, to Junmyeon it felt more like an announcement which he could only follow.

“Yes, that would be nice,” Junmyeon spoke to Jongdae for the first time.

He then watched the young man put out his cigarette and casually start walking without a word in the opposite direction than Junmyeon usually took. The other man followed him, one step behind because it seemed too daring to match his steps completely. Junmyeon had never felt intimidated by anyone, no matter how pretty or handsome they were. He knew his own charms and how to use them. Yet with Jongdae he felt painfully self-conscious for some reason. A part of that could have been caused by the fact that Jongdae was one of the few people who knew about his disease. But there must have been something else. Something Junmyeon couldn’t decipher as much as he tried.

When Jongdae had proposed going for a cup of coffee, it hadn’t occurred to Junmyeon that apart from going to a coffee shop it could have meant visiting his apartment as well. So as he stopped in front of an apartment building, unlocking the entrance, Junmyeon’s heart started palpitating. He was not going to have a heart attack at the age of 26, was he? He begged his heart to calm down but it didn’t look like it would listen to him.

Jongdae’s apartment was on the second floor, small and cosy place, nothing too fancy and completely sufficient for one person. They took off their shoes in a narrow hallway and entered Jongdae’s living room which was connected with a kitchen.

“I know I invited you for coffee, but if you prefer tea, I could make you some,” the owner of the apartment went straight to the sink and poured some water into a kettle.

“Tea might be better, thank you, I do not sleep well after drinking coffee at night.”

Junmyeon wondered why he had become so talkative, sharing extra information.

“Really? I’ve never had any problem with that. I sleep well no matter what. Okay, let me see then,” Jongdae started rummaging through his cupboards. “I have some green or ginger tea, which one do you want?”

“That ginger one would be great.”

“Okay. Have a seat wherever you want, it will take a minute.”

Only the sound of boiling water and clinking of cups spread across the room after that. Junmyeon looked around him, in the end deciding to sit down in the armchair which was the closest to him. All the nervousness and slight nausea did not leave him but at the same time seemed to be moderate, he noted with gratitude. It was all so weird yet felt familiar in a strange way. Their previous conversations had been, well, not conversations in the first place, more like Jongdae’s monologues consisting of one sentence and they had never gone beyond that. And then they were there, communicating somewhat naturally like normal acquaintances would.

Junmyeon glanced at Jongdae who was just pouring on the water, looking so domestic and cute yet freaking fuckable at the same time. It was maddening and Junmyeon thought he might actually go mad while trying to fight off the urge to lift Jongdae up on the countertop, take off his pants, spread his legs and fuck him right then and there, not even preparing him for his cock properly. The sound of a ceramic cup being placed on the glass coffee table finally made him flinch and go back to the real world from the deepest corners of his addicted mind.

“Thank you,” he said, very well aware that his voice was shaking and afraid that Jongdae could somehow read his mind and knew what his exact thoughts were.

But Jongdae looked like he hadn’t noticed anything unusual. He just sat down with his own cup on the floor even though there was an empty sofa right across from him. “You’re welcome,” he took a sip of his coffee. Silence filled the room right after that. It had lasted almost a whole minute until Jongdae spoke again, asking in the most monotonous and calm voice: “Are you gay, Junmyeon?”

The other opened his eyes so wide they looked like they might fall out of the sockets. What kind of sudden question was that? He noticed his own hands had begun to shake. “I… I don’t really have a preference, to be honest,” he somehow managed to respond.

Jongdae made an understanding sound, parting his lips (which drove Junmyeon crazy every time he saw them or only thought about them) slightly. “I see. Well, from the way you said that, it must mean that you fuck anything that comes along, not really caring about the gender. Interesting,” he noted like it was not a big deal and like he hadn’t basically just said that Junmyeon was a true sex maniac.

Junmyeon felt like Jongdae slapped him with those words… he was so vulnerable as if he was supposed to have a mental breakdown at any moment. That made him rather agitated. He decided that he could not leave it like that. That he would not be the only one shocked, embarrassed and ruined. “Minseok told me that I should stay away from you,” he spilled out.

“Oh, did he really?” the other started laughing immediately. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, he has been quite possessive since he fucked me against the bathroom wall after the second meeting which I went to. But he’s harmless, don’t worry about it,” he said like it was nothing.

 _So it had been a threat after all_ , Junmyeon thought to himself but straight away realized how wrong that was. “He shouldn’t have done that, that’s… that’s against the principles of the organization.” The image of an always perfect, always neat and righteous Minseok was gone. It was replaced by the image of sweaty, filthy Minseok fucking Jongdae.

“You’re right, he shouldn’t have done that. He felt really bad about it though, saying he’s sorry for using my condition and all… he didn’t try anything again but every time I talk to someone at the meeting, I can feel him looking at me. And I guess he must have sensed that there is a connection between the two of us and that’s why he said that to you.”

A connection? Junmyeon gulped. Yes, he had felt it the first moment he had looked at the other… he did not want to admit it though because it was so strange, feeling a connection with someone he had seen for the first time in his life. He told himself he was creating something in his own mind, going crazy because of all the abstinence but since Jongdae thought the same… it no longer seemed as his own imagination. It seemed real.

“Junmyeon?” Jongdae’s voice interrupted his thoughts and made him turn his attention. “I want you to share your story with me. The story you haven’t been able to say in the meetings. I want to hear it, every part of it.” It was the most serious face Junmyeon had ever seen on him.

Junmyeon was not surprised by such request but he was definitely reluctant to comply with it. He needed more time to mentally prepare himself. He wanted to tell Jongdae, he really did but felt like it was not the right time to do so. “Sorry, I don’t…” he didn’t even get to finish as he sensed a movement close to him. Jongdae suddenly appeared right next to his left leg. He was on his knees and hands, looking up… not pleading, not sad, not disappointed, just simply watching Junmyeon intently.

The look in his eyes changed the moment eyes of the two men met. It became greedier, yearning and immensely dangerous. He placed his hands on Junmyeon’s legs, parting them. He then slowly moved on his knees between Junmyeon’s legs and did not hesitate to lay his head on Junmyeon’s crotch. “But I want to hear it… please, I want to know more about you,” he placed a small kiss on the fabric on Junmyeon’s pants. The friction and barrier made it even more sensual than if he had been naked.

Junmyeon was so damn hard. He started shaking right away and had to control himself from pushing his own crotch into Jongdae’s face even more. He was losing his mind. “I… I don’t know what you want to hear.” Another kiss and a hand on his inner thigh. “O-Okay, okay… my… my story is that I’ve been fucking around a lot since I was young. I had my first sex when I was fourteen, lying about my age to an older girl and I cannot remember a time when I was not masturbating several times a day… I just… I never had enough. In high school I probably went through all the girls who were willing and when I went to university I met the first gay guy and since then I started looking for both genders, not really caring who I slept with that night but it must have been someone… if I was unlucky, I spent my night in the bathroom with a laptop, masturbating while watching porn.”

He went silent for a moment. He needed a break, he needed to organize his own thoughts. However, as Jongdae started to stroke his thigh he knew he had to continue. “I lied a lot trying to get people to bed… I did it in all places imaginable, with drunk people, with people who were high, with people I didn’t even kiss during it. I slept with girlfriends of my close friends, I promised many girls and guys a second date while thinking of a way to run away the moment they fall asleep. But even with all of that, I had my best friend. Someone who would stand up for me, who would believe in me no matter what I did. And I still screwed up. I came to his house to return something, he was not home and his wife invited me in… as soon as I closed the door, she started kissing me. We did it on the sofa in their living room, she kept screaming for more, telling me that she wants me deep inside her, that I should hurry, that she wants to taste my cum… and I did all that, I gave her what she wanted and I took what I wanted. She told me that I should visit her again, that she would call me when my best friend was gone… but I never answered the phone. She told him what had happened, he beat me, screamed at me… I needed to go to the hospital for stitches. But the worst thing was that he told me he never wanted to see me again. That’s why I started going to my therapist who diagnosed me as a sex addict and sent me to the meetings.”

Jongdae smiled at him when he finished talking. His smile was the most beautiful thing Junmyeon had ever seen in his whole life. Then his expression changed again… to that lustful, dangerous and already familiar look. He started to place small kisses all over Junmyeon’s crotch, nuzzled up against it and kept humming with satisfaction. Junmyeon’s erection was screaming to get free and he thought he might actually come in his pants. Before that could happen, Jongdae stopped with all that and slowly moved to sit on the other’s lap.

“Thank you for sharing with me, Junmyeon,” he kissed him on the forehead.

Junmyeon’s brain was unable comprehend the situation for a few seconds. And when he finally took everything in, there was only one question on his mind. “Will you share your story with me as well?”

He wanted to hear it. He wanted to be special to Jongdae, special enough that he would tell him everything about his past. Every little detail. “I will but not today. You look exhausted and you should head home and take a cold shower when you get there,” the other man said with a smile, got up and took two half full cups from the coffee table to the sink, basically implying that it was the end of the visit.

“Yeah, I probably should,” Junmyeon stood up as well. His dick was still hard, pleading to be touched, to be pampered by more sweet kisses.

As he was putting on his coat and shoes, Jongdae stood there leaning against the doorframe and smiling at him, his eyes shining. “See you next week, Junmyeon,” he said his goodbyes.

Junmyeon wondered if it was okay to kiss him. But he was too afraid to find out, too afraid of ruining everything, ruining the sweet dream he never wanted to wake up from. So he just nodded, as it was their unspoken agreement, and left.

~

Junmyeon couldn’t get much sleep for the whole week. He couldn’t stop thinking about Jongdae and it was so hard not to touch himself. He woke up hard basically every morning and then took a long, cold shower before going to work. He regretted not asking Jongdae for his number so they could at least be in contact. But deep down he knew Jongdae would have refused. Another thing Junmyeon was sure would be met with refusal was the proposition of dating. It was very frustrating and hard to wrap his head around but he knew he had to accept all those unspoken terms if he wanted to keep spending time with Jongdae.

When Saturday came around and the meeting started, he was unable to look up once again. He felt like all the people could tell what had happened. Especially Minseok. He expected to be punched, kicked, and sworn at. Yet none of that took place. The meeting ended peacefully and when he left the building, Jongdae was waiting there for him, smoking a cigarette and smiling. He didn’t even have to say anything and Junmyeon followed him the minute he made the first step towards his home.

That time, they both had a cup of tea. It was dark, without any sugar or milk. It warmed their insides after the walk in the cold weather. Jongdae sat on the floor again and they were not talking, but after few minutes he stood up and took a seat on the sofa.

“Come here,” he said to Junmyeon who obeyed immediately. “Lie down,” was another command and Junmyeon once again listened. He laid his head in Jongdae’s lap and the other stared to stroke his head gently.

“You said you wanted to hear my story. Are you not afraid that it will destroy any of your perceptions of me?”

Junmyeon had thought about that before. He had come to the conclusion that nothing could change the way he felt about that man, about their connection. “No, I’m not. Are you?”

“No, not at all,” Jongdae replied with his calm, soft voice which was like a music to Junmyeon’s ears he could listen to all day long. “Close your eyes and I’ll tell you everything.”

Junmyeon did exactly that. He closed his eyes and focused only on Jongdae’s small, slim hands buried in his dark hair. He had never felt more at peace, relaxed, more at home.

“I’ve always known that I’m gay. I’ve never been interested in girls. And for some reason it didn’t make me scared. I was proud to know who I am. I was proud that I didn’t lie to myself. But not everybody took it that way. My parents came early from work one day and found me fucking this guy from school on our sofa. My dad went crazy. He almost killed the poor guy and threw him out just in his underwear. And then started to beat me and yell at me while my mom cried. He gave me ten minutes to pack my things and get out of the house. I was seventeen. I didn’t know where to go so I just stayed on the streets for several days. I made some money by sleeping with old men who stopped me and asked if I wanted to have some fun. I did not mind it but I knew that was not what I wanted to do because I could get arrested quite easily. So I just did it until I had some money to rent a flat for a week. Then I went looking for some real job.”

Judging from the stable and calm tone, Jongdae was not ashamed of any of that. He seemed to accept that as a part of his past which helped him become who he was at that current time.

“I was a high school dropout so of course nobody wanted to hire me at first. But then I realized something: in every man, no matter what he claims, is a need to fuck someone else. And if that’s a good fuck, if they can find someone willing with a tight hole to stick their cock into, they do not care about the gender. That’s how I landed all my jobs. It was so easy. I promised I would be good to them if they hired me. The tone I said it with was so obvious, they could not mistake it for anything else. And I saw the glint in their eyes. So I just made a show out of it. I fucked myself on my fingers right in from of them and they all loved it. They could not wait to have me. And I continued with the show. I rode them, I was always on top, the one in control. I knew how to make them go crazy. They hired me with the knowledge they could take me when they felt like it. But most of them got possessive soon so I left. And I found another job the same way. Among all that, I still slept with other men. The ones I met in gay clubs, my colleagues or the ones that just checked me out in the street. I needed that because I was never full enough. I wanted more men inside me, I loved the control, I loved how dark their eyes got when I sat on their dicks and told them how good they felt inside me.”

Junmyeon was already hard. He could not stop it. The image of Jongdae fucking himself on his fingers at first, then on Junmyeon’s dick, body all sweaty, hair sticking to his forehead, coming into Jongdae, biting Jongdae’s nipples, hearing Jongdae scream out his name as his dick hit his prostate in the best way possible... all those thoughts occupied his mind and it felt so wrong because he shouldn’t, they shouldn’t, but at the same time he couldn’t help thinking that it would be the most right thing in his whole life.

“But suddenly one day I realized how empty my life had been. I had no friends, no real relationship, nothing to be proud of. I broke down and stayed in bed for a whole week. First three days I only thought about how much I wanted someone or something inside me. I felt empty. But after I made it past that stage I realized that kind of emptiness meant nothing. More important was the emptiness I felt in my heart. I was completely alone. I wanted to kill myself because nothing made sense in my life, nothing was worth living. But I was scared to end it… I was afraid of the death… what if the hell is real and I am sent there immediately for the way I’ve lived my life? That took four days. Then I made the decision to change. To quit my current job, find another one the right way… and to stop sleeping with other people. I started searching for similar stories on the internet, hoping that there would be someone who would know what I was going through. That was how I learnt about sexual addiction and what it meant. I had no money for a therapist but somehow I came across the meetings for sex addicts and started going there. The best decision of my life, I must say. I had a rough start, some mishaps, some ups, some lows… but what’s important is that I’ve never stopped fighting and I plan to never give up until I’m completely recovered.”

Junmyeon opened his eyes slowly, still trembling. The story made a deep impact on him… he admired that Jongdae had been able to realize the problem by himself, without any help. In his eyes, Jongdae was probably the strongest person he had ever met. “Thank you for telling me. I know it must have been hard on you and it’s difficult to share it with someone.”

Jongdae smiled and shook his head. “Yeah, it’s difficult to share it with someone… but you’re not just someone, Junmyeon. You’re special. That’s why I told you. And to be honest, it felt like the easiest thing in the world.”

When he stroked his cheek right after those words, Junmyeon thought his heart would jump out of his chest. That was how fast it was beating. He could not believe it. He had never been called special by anyone. He had been called hot, handsome, good fuck, fuckable, the best, attractive but none of that had ever made him happy. Jongdae’s words, however, meant the world to him and he felt like the happiest and luckiest man alive.

“Jongdae, I…”

“It’s late, you should go, I don’t want to keep you up for so long. I’m glad we could have this talk and I’m sure we will continue to talk in the future as well,” Jongdae gently lifted Junmyeon’s head, stood up and smiled at him as he was lying there on the sofa.

Junmyeon wanted to protest and tell him that he would like to stay longer but everything was happening according to Jongdae’s conditions and he did not want to screw up by being too demanding. After all Jongdae had implied he didn’t like it when people were possessive of him. So Junmyeon got up as well and started getting dressed.

Again, Jongdae stood close to him, smiling, eyes soft and sparkly. “See you next week, Junmyeon,” he said as he watched Junmyeon leave and close the door.

~

“Do you think we will ever be able to completely recover?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t we?” 

“I don’t know… I can’t get rid of the thoughts so even though I don’t do anything it still feels like the disease has power over me. And I’m afraid it will always have.”

“Junmyeon, I’m not going to lie to you… those thoughts might always stay with you. But one day you will be able to control them. You will have power over them, not they over you. And I promise you I will be there to help you with it.”

“Do you really promise? Will you never leave me?”

“You’re so silly, Junmyeon. Of course, I will stay by your side. Where else would I go? My place is next to you, don’t you know that already?”

~

“Junmyeon, do you ever touch yourself while you think about me?”

 “N-No… of course not, that would be against the rules, wouldn’t it?”

 “Yes, it would, but sometimes rules are hard to follow.”

 “They are… I… I do not touch myself but I get really hard when I think about you, to be honest. You seem to always be in my mind.”

 "And how do I look in your mind? What do I do when I’m there?”

 “You look beautiful and… and sensual. You lie there… you let me be the first person to take you completely, to fuck you really good. You scream a lot. You let me do what I want with you.”

 “And what is it that you want?”

 “I want to fuck your mouth… because it’s so pretty. I want to ruin you. I want you to beg me to come inside you. And then I want… I want…”

 “What? Then you want what?”

 “I want to hold your hand after that. Is that weird?”

 “I don’t know. Have we ever been normal?” 

~

“Jongdae, do you want to visit my apartment one day?”

“Of course I do. I want to see how you live.”

“So what about next week?”

“Still too soon, Junmyeon. We have all the time in the world so there’s no need to rush, right?”

~

“Junmyeon, where are you going?”

“To my car, wait a moment.”

“What is that?”

“Those are flowers. They are for you. Do you not like them?”

“I do but… I guess I didn’t think that would be the first gift I would ever get from you.”

“And what did you think that would be?”

“I’ll leave that to your imagination, Junmyeon.”

~

“I touched myself yesterday. I could not take it any longer. I was so close to getting to 90 days but I just couldn’t… I couldn’t make it.”

“Oh, that’s completely okay. Everybody has the same problem. Everybody in our group had to go back to the start, don’t worry about it. It’s okay to struggle and it’s also okay to screw up… you’ll learn from your mistakes and do even better in the future.”

“I don’t know… I don’t know if I’m able to get better, to do better.”

“Of course you are. Don’t let one mishap get to you. That was one battle but you’re going to win the war, I’m sure of that.”

“I... yeah…. I guess you’re right. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. What did you think about when you touched yourself?”

“I thought about you.”

~

“Jongdae?”

“Yeah?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. See you next week, Junmyeon.”

~

But Jongdae didn’t come to the next meeting. Junmyeon sat there utterly confused, nauseous and anxious. What could have happened? Jongdae had never missed a meeting. He tried to calm himself down. There could have been something in work or he could be sick… Junmyeon was so angry at himself for not being brave enough to ask for a phone number. And he also hated himself for not being brave enough to go to Jongdae’s apartment after the meeting without being invited. His head kept spinning as he was thinking of a way how to make sure everything was okay.

There was only one solution in the end. It was polite to let Minseok know if you couldn’t come to the meeting so he wouldn’t have to worry about anyone. Yes, it was dangerous to ask Minseok about Jongdae but in Junmyeon’s mind it was not as dangerous as making Jongdae angry by appearing in his apartment or asking too many questions.

“Minseok, could I speak with you for a minute, please?” Junmyeon had requested politely after the end of the meeting before anybody else could have overtaken him.

“Sure, Junmyeon, go ahead.”

“Do you know why Jongdae didn’t attend today’s meeting?”

“I do not know the exact reason but he did call me to apologize that he couldn’t make it today. I guess something else came up. Why?” Minseok had this unaware look on him. But that slowly changed as he realized what Junmyeon’s question had probably meant. “I asked you why, Junmyeon. Why would you ask me about Jongdae?”

Junmyeon remained completely silent.

“Oh my god, Junmyeon, I told you to stay away from him, didn’t I?”

Minseok looked almost angry, like he couldn’t believe it. Perhaps he had hoped his threat would work. He made Junmyeon sick. “You did but only because you want him for yourself. You should be glad that he didn’t tell people in your organization about what you did with him.”

“What?” Minseok's forehead wrinkled in confusion.

“Don’t play innocent, I know you fucked him, that you used his disease to have fun with him. He told me everything,” Junmyeon wanted to seriously punch his face. He found him so disgusting.

The other man had just stared at him in disbelief for few seconds before comprehending all those words and the whole situation. “That’s what he told you? Oh my god, Junmyeon, he fucking lied to you! None of that ever happened! Damn it, we are cousins! His parents made him go to this program so I could keep an eye on him personally. I can’t believe he would lie to you about such a thing…”

“Wait…” Junmyeon felt his whole world collapsing. As if the ground under his legs started to shake, as if it was really the end of everything. “His parents didn’t kick him out?”

“What? No, of course not! He lied about that as well? For fuck’s sake, that damn kid… his parents still sponsor him while he’s doing his second art school, they pay for his apartment, give him all the money he wants under the condition that he will try to get better,” Minseok started shaking his head vigorously. “I can’t believe this… what else did he… wait, Junmyeon! Fuck, wait, where are you going?! Junmyeon!”

Junmyeon did not wait. He did not stop. He kept on running. He did not care about anything except for seeing Jongdae at that moment. He needed to hear that Minseok had made that all up. He needed to hear it from Jongdae. He didn’t pay attention to traffic lights, to cars honking at him, he ran fast, he ran like a madman. He was completely breathless when he reached Jongdae’s apartment building.

He looked for the doorbell, looked for Jongdae’s name and pressed it with all his strength the moment he found it. Once, twice, three times, four times, five times, six times… nothing. No response. He gave it one more try, holding the doorbell for several seconds. Still no response, still no voice coming from the speaker that would tell him everything was okay. Then the entrance door opened and he almost knocked down an old lady as he rushed inside.

As he was running upstairs he prayed that he would wake up from the nightmare. It must have been a nightmare, right? That all could not have been reality. It was just a bad dream. He would wake up in his bed, sweaty and scared but everything would be okay. He would run to Jongdae and tell him he loved him. Yes, he just needed to wait more. Just a little bit more before he woke up, right?

He got to the door and immediately started knocking. “Jongdae? Jongdae, open up, it’s me, Junmyeon, I need to talk to you about something.”

The knocking got even more desperate and restless.

“Jongdae, do you hear me? Please, open, please, I promise to go away right after you tell me that Minseok lied to me, please.”

Junmyeon’s fists kept hammering on the wood. The door did not open. Junmyeon’s legs started kicking it loudly.

“Jongdae! Please! I need you to tell me that it was all lies! I need you to tell me that he made that all up, please, please, open the door, please!”

He fell to his knees, exhausted, and started banging his head against the door. His fists loosened and it was just his palms on the door, still hitting and hitting.

“Jongdae, please, come out, come out and tell me that you’ll stay by my side, please, I need to hear you say that you will keep your promises, I need to hear you say that you love me, please, please, please, please.” The tears started falling down on his cheeks. “Jongdae, don’t do this to me, I need you, you are my whole world… I don’t know how to do this without you, please, I don’t care that you lied to me, we can still make this work, Jongdae, please! I will do anything for you, I promise, I will do anything you say, just don’t leave me, please, Jongdae, I promise, please, open the door, Jongdae, please…”

He was gasping and could not continue any longer. He was there on his knees, the knuckles on his hands covered with blood because of the hard surface of the door, his body kept jerking due to the lack of air caused by the hysterical fit.

The door of the neighbouring apartment opened and a woman entered the hallway, looking rather worried. “I’m sorry but… are you okay?” she asked politely even though the question was the most useless question she had probably ever asked anyone.

Junmyeon slowly turned his head towards her and tried to wipe his face because of the tears. It became stained with blood from his hands instead.

“Do you know when the man from this apartment might be coming back?” he ignored her question and gazed at her hopefully. He needed to see Jongdae. He needed him, he needed him more than anything in his whole life.

The woman shifted uncomfortably. “I’m so sorry but he moved out two days ago.”

Junmyeon could see she really meant it. She was truly story to tell him that information. She might have sensed that Jongdae was Junmyeon’s everything. She might have been able to see Junmyeon’s whole world falling apart right in front of her. It was possible because Junmyeon certainly felt like his body was being shattered into little pieces. Those little pieces began to fly around in the hallway. The time stopped and they just levitated in the air. They could still feel the pain though. Each of them was bearing Junmyeon’s suffering. And those little pieces that used to be his heart? Those kept bleeding and stained the floor with millions of marks.

~

“Hello, everybody, my name is Junmyeon and I’m a sex addict. I’ve hurt many people in my life, lied so I could get them into bed and then left them, not really caring about their feelings. I got what I wanted and that was it. No attachment, just pure lust and sex. It seemed to work until I screwed up really bad. That led to therapy which led me to these meetings. All that was helping me, I was getting better and realized that I’m hunted by this damn disease. But then… then I fell in love. Or I was manipulated into falling in love? I don’t really know and I guess it doesn’t matter. The important thing is that I cared about someone for the first time in my life. But that person turned out to be a liar. I don’t know why he did it though… why he told me all those lies. I also don’t know if any of those things he said to me about having connection and loving me were true. I suppose not but… I don’t know, there’s still a small part of me hoping that at least some of that he meant. It’s quite absurd to be honest. Because I know I should be angry, that I should hate him for leaving me alone, for all those empty promises he made… but I just can’t do it. No matter how hard I try I still love him. I still think about him. And more than anything I want to hear those five words he used to tell me that were probably the only truthful thing he’s ever told me until one day when they weren’t. See you next week, Junmyeon.”


End file.
